If Squirrels Could Read

Did you ever wonder what you would say in a letter to the entertaining little pest who runs around your yard. Here is my letter to The Squirrel.

Dear Mr. Squirrel

I don’t feel that introductions are necessary here, as you and I see each other every day. But just to make sure we are clear on who is who, I will identify each of us.

I watch you run across the hydro and phone lines over the backyard each day. Those would be the lines we refer to as the Squirrel Express Highway, as you and your friends move faster there than the traffic on the local highways.

You would be the one with the black tail that bobs up and down, when you run.

I would be the one standing on the deck yelling at the barking beast, who runs back and forth chasing you.

Now that we have clarified who we are, I would like to discuss our relationship.

I am totally OK with you running back and forth all day on the Squirrel Express Highway. The beast that chases you, that would be the same one that you sit and chatter at. Yes, I am aware of the fact that you are teasing him, needs the exercise, and the relationship between you two seems to be working.

What you don’t know, is that when the barking beast sees you from the doors to the deck, that noise you hear, that is me shaking the door handled to give you the heads up that the ninety pound beast is exiting and coming your way.

I say nothing when you drink out of the pond or hide your nuts in my lawn. I find your impression of the circus aerials entertaining, when you are swinging off the bird feeders. Though you do leave a heck of a mess behind you.

I cringe when you use my flower garden as your personal potty, and I replant the flowers you dig up looking for grubs. But in over all, I have been quite happy to share my garden paradise with you.

Well that was until today, when I am afraid you crossed a very serous line.

I would like to discuss with you the Tulip bulbs. Yes, the Tulip bulbs that were recently planted.

I felt it was very disrespectful of you to dig up the bulb and run past me flaunting it in the your little mouth. I gave you forgiveness on that, as I understand it’s Fall and that food is less available.

But now that you have dug up many of the Tulips bulbs, eaten them only half way, and have left them on my door step, I feel we must re-assess our relationship.


Today I bought and planted thirty new Daffodil bulbs. They are now in the garden.

Being the good neighbor that I feel I have been to you, I would like to let you know in advance that when Spring comes, if I do not see any Tulips or Daffodils in the garden, I will not be shaking the door handle, but instead letting the beast chase you a little faster.

I am afraid this action will not be very neighborly of me, but then you seem to have forgotten your manors and are presently failing in the neighbor department.

To avoid this drastic action, I have placed peanuts in the garden, please eat and bury them so that we can both enjoy the Tulips and Daffodils in the Spring.


The Owner of the Ninety Pound Beast


Now if only Squirrels could read.









6 thoughts on “If Squirrels Could Read

  1. What a great letter! I think your diplomacy is fantastic. I sure hope he can read…
    I have am ‘agreement’ with the squirrels that visit me at work. I put sunflower seeds on the window sill for them and the seeds in the feeders are for the birds. Only one had figured out how to get to the feeders, and I cut the branch that got him to the roof, problem solved. 😉

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  2. Nice to see a black squirrel. We hardly have any red ones left around here, and I have never clapped eyes on a black one!
    Thanks for following my blog, which is much appreciated.
    And good luck with that dream home by the lake.
    Best wishes, Pete.


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